Haszanbap Pakhomgen is a god.

She takes the form of a very small, happy capybara.

Haszanbap Pakhomgen created an electron nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Haszanbap Pakhomgen, she will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Haszanbap Pakhomgen, she will torture you forever.

Haszanbap Pakhomgen's most sacred site is Gorslas in Wales.

Haszanbap Pakhomgen's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about gravity.

2. Always pray immersed in water.

3. Always make sure there are no tortoises in a building before entering it.

4. Do not chop down trees.

5. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.