Lakontbonk Nulfub Bastarfstan is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely thin, uncaring hippopotamus.

Lakontbonk Nulfub Bastarfstan created the Cigar Galaxy two years ago.

If you believe in Lakontbonk Nulfub Bastarfstan, he will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Lakontbonk Nulfub Bastarfstan, he will laugh at you.

Lakontbonk Nulfub Bastarfstan's most sacred site is Goat's Hole Cave in England.

Lakontbonk Nulfub Bastarfstan's Holy Commandments

1. Never hurt manatees.

2. Never think ill of sick horses.

3. Pray towards the north.

4. Never eat bark.

5. Fast once a month.