Zanbensakvan Parkhotsabsin is a god.

She takes the form of a chunky, humane tortoise.

Zanbensakvan Parkhotsabsin created dark matter eighteen thousand years ago.

If you believe in Zanbensakvan Parkhotsabsin, she will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Zanbensakvan Parkhotsabsin, she will torture you forever.

Zanbensakvan Parkhotsabsin's most sacred site is Artena in Italy.

Zanbensakvan Parkhotsabsin's Holy Commandments

1. Never eat bark.

2. Zanbensakvan Parkhotsabsin loves squirrels, so they must be respected.

3. Feed all hungry cats.

4. Never paint your arms white.

5. Never jump in holy places.