Lophenrill is a god.

He takes the form of a very heavy, ruthless lobster.

Lophenrill created a charm quark two thousand years ago.

If you believe in Lophenrill, he will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Lophenrill, he will turn you into an amoeba.

Lophenrill's most sacred site is Ringford in Scotland.

Lophenrill's Holy Commandments

1. Never go into orange rooms.

2. Never write about the strong nuclear force.

3. Your children must be taught to worship Lophenrill.

4. Never bounce in holy places.

5. Always look after injured turtles.