Zustkimcem is a god.

He takes the form of a microscopic, moody human.

Zustkimcem created the Small Magellanic Cloud six quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Zustkimcem, he will grant you eternal life.

If you do not believe in Zustkimcem, he will turn you into a small brown duck.

Zustkimcem's most sacred site is Polagam in India.

Zustkimcem's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about whales.

2. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. You must never eat melons.

4. Never run in holy places.

5. Always help squirrels in need.