Tarkenfem is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely large, clever lobster.

Tarkenfem created gold four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Tarkenfem, she will be very happy.

If you do not believe in Tarkenfem, she will insist you be burnt at the stake.

Tarkenfem's most sacred site is Metsimotlhabe in Botswana.

Tarkenfem's Holy Commandments

1. Retreat if nine horses approach from the west.

2. Eagles are unholy and should not be approached.

3. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

4. Do not chop down trees.

5. Never think ill of sick tortoises.