Tarplogyar Tonbessgud is a god.

It takes the form of an extremely large, charitable walrus.

Tarplogyar Tonbessgud created tapeworms three billion years ago.

If you believe in Tarplogyar Tonbessgud, it will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Tarplogyar Tonbessgud, it will hide angry queen hornets in your dwelling place.

Tarplogyar Tonbessgud's most sacred site is Minnigaff in Scotland.

Tarplogyar Tonbessgud's Holy Commandments

1. Erect a large platinum sculpture of Tarplogyar Tonbessgud on top of all buildings.

2. Show mercy to disobedient children.

3. Never go into purple rooms.

4. Never wear jumpers.

5. You must never eat carrots.