Barnbunkin is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely fat, annoying dugong.

Barnbunkin created humankind nine thousand years ago.

If you believe in Barnbunkin, she will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Barnbunkin, she will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Barnbunkin's most sacred site is Troqueer in Scotland.

Barnbunkin's Holy Commandments

1. Never eat lemons.

2. Never talk about cell theory.

3. Barnbunkin must be the most important thing in your life.

4. Always pray in complete darkness.

5. Never look at stars.