Quimmutfad is a god.

She takes the form of a giant, witless unicorn.

Quimmutfad created snails seven million years ago.

If you believe in Quimmutfad, she will celebrate by creating some universes.

If you do not believe in Quimmutfad, she will insist you be burnt at the stake.

Quimmutfad's most sacred site is Ans in Denmark.

Quimmutfad's Holy Commandments

1. Show mercy to disobedient children.

2. Never pour water over plants.

3. Your children must be taught to worship Quimmutfad.

4. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

5. Do not speak about gooseberries.