Bafzenvid is a god.

It takes the form of a huge, amazing tortoise.

Bafzenvid created Africa four million years ago.

If you believe in Bafzenvid, it will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Bafzenvid, it will turn you into a hamster.

Bafzenvid's most sacred site is Farnetta in Italy.

Bafzenvid's Holy Commandments

1. Always pray in complete darkness.

2. Never eat melons.

3. Your children must be taught to worship Bafzenvid.

4. Never talk about amino acids.

5. Never eat bark.