Ortbatteen is a god.

It takes the form of a plump, overgenerous cyclops-rhinoceros-snail.

Ortbatteen created the universe four billion years ago.

If you believe in Ortbatteen, it will look on you favourably.

If you do not believe in Ortbatteen, it will name a particularly small and pointless asteroid after you.

Ortbatteen's most sacred site is Saint Cado in France.

Ortbatteen's Holy Commandments

1. Ortbatteen loves manatees, so they must be honoured.

2. Always wear brown.

3. Never run near voles.

4. Tell all that you meet of the great power of Ortbatteen.

5. Your children must be taught to worship Ortbatteen.