Ontkaparm Bastbanvegcubsograpjarnbeg is a god.

He takes the form of an exceedingly fat, flying mink.

Ontkaparm Bastbanvegcubsograpjarnbeg created parasitic wasps six million years ago.

If you believe in Ontkaparm Bastbanvegcubsograpjarnbeg, he will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Ontkaparm Bastbanvegcubsograpjarnbeg, he will attempt to scare you with strong winds.

Ontkaparm Bastbanvegcubsograpjarnbeg's most sacred site is Miiluranta in Finland.

Ontkaparm Bastbanvegcubsograpjarnbeg's Holy Commandments

1. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Do not hurt whales.

3. Never write about the weak nuclear force.

4. Never hurt porpoises.

5. Always pray in complete darkness.