Arptencapweg Zanlidteen is a god.

It takes the form of a five thousand metre long, grumpy guinea pig.

Arptencapweg Zanlidteen created the Sun six billion years ago.

If you believe in Arptencapweg Zanlidteen, it will make you lucky.

If you do not believe in Arptencapweg Zanlidteen, it will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Arptencapweg Zanlidteen's most sacred site is Xaaga in Mexico.

Arptencapweg Zanlidteen's Holy Commandments

1. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.

3. Respect your elders.

4. Never wear orange jumpers.

5. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.