Flatgigzun is a god.

She takes the form of a massive, kind crab.

Flatgigzun created energy nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Flatgigzun, she will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Flatgigzun, she will turn you into a puffin.

Flatgigzun's most sacred site is Iskmo in Finland.

Flatgigzun's Holy Commandments

1. Pray towards the east.

2. Show mercy to disobedient children.

3. Never pour water over plants.

4. Never think about horizontal gene transfer.

5. Never look at comets.