Bassquatvad is a god.

She takes the form of a blubbery, passionate snail.

Bassquatvad created an electron four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Bassquatvad, she will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Bassquatvad, she will jump up and down on your head until it really hurts.

Bassquatvad's most sacred site is Wukan in China.

Bassquatvad's Holy Commandments

1. Do not covet oxen.

2. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. Do not drink water in yellow rooms.

4. Always make a point of helping unfortunate tapirs.

5. Always treat pigs with great respect.