Flamyarptig is a god.

She takes the form of a heavy, bad-tempered gnu.

Flamyarptig created life seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Flamyarptig, she will give you great power.

If you do not believe in Flamyarptig, she will turn you into a giant slug.

Flamyarptig's most sacred site is Kauvatsa in Finland.

Flamyarptig's Holy Commandments

1. Always make sure there are no hamsters in a building before entering it.

2. Never write about the weak nuclear force.

3. Never sit near dolphins.

4. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

5. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.