Janladved Hogcuntit is a god.

He takes the form of a galaxy-sized, moody mink.

Janladved Hogcuntit created water five thousand years ago.

If you believe in Janladved Hogcuntit, he will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Janladved Hogcuntit, he will boil you in a big pot.

Janladved Hogcuntit's most sacred site is Glastonbury Tor in England.

Janladved Hogcuntit's Holy Commandments

1. Your children must be taught to worship Janladved Hogcuntit.

2. Never pour water over plants.

3. Janladved Hogcuntit must be the most important thing in your life.

4. Pray towards the north.

5. Worship no other gods but Janladved Hogcuntit.