Larngarpod is a god.

He takes the form of a fat, egotistical clam.

Larngarpod created oxygen five trillion years ago.

If you believe in Larngarpod, he will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Larngarpod, he will turn you into a slug.

Larngarpod's most sacred site is Troqueer in Scotland.

Larngarpod's Holy Commandments

1. Worship no other gods but Larngarpod.

2. Always make sure there are no mites in a room before entering it.

3. Walk at least six thousand metres per day.

4. Larngarpod loves bats, so they must be respected.

5. Never think about cell theory.