Pogquartlak is a god.

She takes the form of a thin, all-knowing tortoise.

Pogquartlak created the Cigar Galaxy seven million years ago.

If you believe in Pogquartlak, she will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Pogquartlak, she will send five hundred and sixty eight geese to peck you to death.

Pogquartlak's most sacred site is Cusihuiriachi in Mexico.

Pogquartlak's Holy Commandments

1. Never eat bark.

2. Do not stand on grass.

3. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

4. Do not dye your hair purple.

5. Never laugh near grasshopers.