Gesstonkman is a god.

It takes the form of a massive, dishonourable human.

Gesstonkman created Europe three million years ago.

If you believe in Gesstonkman, it will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Gesstonkman, it will turn you into a small brown duck.

Gesstonkman's most sacred site is Snapp in Sweden.

Gesstonkman's Holy Commandments

1. Do not stand on grass.

2. Gesstonkman must be the most important thing in your life.

3. Never look at galaxies.

4. Pigs are unholy and should not be approached.

5. Walk at least five thousand metres per day.