Staflapnig is a god.

He takes the form of a slender, bad-tempered whale.

Staflapnig created light eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Staflapnig, he will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Staflapnig, he will hide angry queen hornets in your dwelling place.

Staflapnig's most sacred site is Rautio in Finland.

Staflapnig's Holy Commandments

1. Never play with disobedient children.

2. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

3. Tell all that you meet of the great power of Staflapnig.

4. Goats are unholy and should not be approached.

5. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.