Quamkomgupgut is a god.

It takes the form of an extremely fat, pitiless cyclops-rhinoceros-snail.

Quamkomgupgut created time and space six trillion years ago.

If you believe in Quamkomgupgut, it will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Quamkomgupgut, it will send four elephants to rub you out.

Quamkomgupgut's most sacred site is Landsort in Sweden.

Quamkomgupgut's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink alcohol.

2. Never talk about aardvarks.

3. Never think about ultrasonics near tapirs while wearing red rings and balancing seven tin spheres on your hands.

4. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.

5. Never hop in holy places.