Tagvolbat is a god.

He takes the form of a large, tiresome narwhal.

Tagvolbat created the planet Jupiter three hundred thousand years ago.

If you believe in Tagvolbat, he will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Tagvolbat, he will have a low opinion of you.

Tagvolbat's most sacred site is Rautio in Finland.

Tagvolbat's Holy Commandments

1. Run away if nine goats approach from the east.

2. Never feed lemons to aardvarks while wearing cyan shirts.

3. Never talk about optics near dolphins while wearing fawn scarves and balancing six silicon spheres on your back.

4. Never paint your feet pink.

5. Do not listen to music.