Dotzimyar is a god.

He takes the form of an exceedingly fat, narcissistic capybara.

Dotzimyar created a quark four billion years ago.

If you believe in Dotzimyar, he will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Dotzimyar, he will turn you into a goat.

Dotzimyar's most sacred site is Dingcun in China.

Dotzimyar's Holy Commandments

1. Never go into turquoise rooms.

2. Do not take Dotzimyar's name in vain.

3. Tell all that you meet of the great power of Dotzimyar.

4. Learn five new languages a year.

5. Run away from green doves, for they are unholy.