Hatkimquafjarn is a god.

It takes the form of an extremely thin, stupid walrus.

Hatkimquafjarn created matter four million years ago.

If you believe in Hatkimquafjarn, it will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Hatkimquafjarn, it will turn you into a duck.

Hatkimquafjarn's most sacred site is Goldcliff in Wales.

Hatkimquafjarn's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about amino acids.

2. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

3. Always take life seriously.

4. Never pour water over plants.

5. Feed all hungry shrews.