Quaf is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely fat, intelligent grasshopper.

Quaf created matter four thousand years ago.

If you believe in Quaf, he will grant you eternal life.

If you do not believe in Quaf, he will laugh at you.

Quaf's most sacred site is Gassin in France.

Quaf's Holy Commandments

1. Never eat bark.

2. Never think about dark energy near monkeys while wearing pink skirts and balancing seven silver spheres on your arms.

3. Do not fashion models of living things.

4. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

5. Erect a large titanium sculpture of Quaf on top of all buildings.