Quimtam is a god.

He takes the form of a nine hundred metre long, narcissistic troll.

Quimtam created a top quark eight thousand years ago.

If you believe in Quimtam, he will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Quimtam, he will turn you into a rat.

Quimtam's most sacred site is Kerris in England.

Quimtam's Holy Commandments

1. Never wear tights.

2. Always stare at clouds.

3. Never feed lots of peas to tapirs while wearing magenta hats.

4. Do not hurt doves.

5. Never feed cucumbers to snakes while wearing trousers.