Xemjamtof is a god.

She takes the form of an exceedingly fat, calm rat.

Xemjamtof created the Black Eye Galaxy two thousand years ago.

If you believe in Xemjamtof, she will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Xemjamtof, she will have an extremely low opinion of you.

Xemjamtof's most sacred site is Hetta in Finland.

Xemjamtof's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed lots of grapes to goats while wearing blue hats.

2. Learn nine new languages a year.

3. Never feed pineapples to sharks while wearing shirts.

4. Put Xemjamtof first in all things.

5. Never write about thermodynamics.