Basstomgem is a god.

He takes the form of a microscopic, egotistical giraffe.

Basstomgem created the planet Jupiter three billion years ago.

If you believe in Basstomgem, he will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Basstomgem, he will turn you into a giant snail.

Basstomgem's most sacred site is Farnetta in Italy.

Basstomgem's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed lots of coconuts to squirrels while wearing purple rings.

2. Do not shave your back.

3. Always take life seriously.

4. Always help sick swans.

5. Do not listen to music.