Bidjarnkadzog is a god.

He takes the form of a fat, grumpy newt.

Bidjarnkadzog created humanity five million years ago.

If you believe in Bidjarnkadzog, he will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Bidjarnkadzog, he will turn you into a goat.

Bidjarnkadzog's most sacred site is Basalorum in Sweden.

Bidjarnkadzog's Holy Commandments

1. You must never eat peas.

2. Always wear pink.

3. Never paint your legs orange.

4. Never eat green fruit.

5. Tortoises are not to be trusted.