Yarpnurnig is a god.

It takes the form of an extremely large, temperamental dolphin.

Yarpnurnig created viruses five million years ago.

If you believe in Yarpnurnig, it will be happy.

If you do not believe in Yarpnurnig, it will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Yarpnurnig's most sacred site is Gara in Hungary.

Yarpnurnig's Holy Commandments

1. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Yarpnurnig.

2. Retreat if seven tortoises approach from the east.

3. Walk at least eight thousand metres per day.

4. Do not listen to music.

5. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.