Gonyartkem is a god.

He takes the form of a massive, cheerful human.

Gonyartkem created a quark three hundred thousand years ago.

If you believe in Gonyartkem, he will grant your every wish.

If you do not believe in Gonyartkem, he will turn you into a giant slug.

Gonyartkem's most sacred site is Letino in Italy.

Gonyartkem's Holy Commandments

1. Learn four new languages a year.

2. Never write about eukaryotes.

3. Do not eat peas.

4. Never feed lots of pineapples to horses while wearing mauve dresses.

5. Never hurt grasshopers.