Bapmonquag is a god.

He takes the form of a four thousand metre long, resourceful walrus.

Bapmonquag created snails two trillion years ago.

If you believe in Bapmonquag, he will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Bapmonquag, he will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Bapmonquag's most sacred site is Kardous in Egypt.

Bapmonquag's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed garlic to seals while wearing gray corsets.

2. Never run in the presence of swans.

3. Do not fashion models of living things.

4. Do not dye your hair fawn.

5. Erect six aluminium sculptures of Bapmonquag on top of important buildings.