Jonnurtcum is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely thin, pitiless penguin.

Jonnurtcum created dark matter four million years ago.

If you believe in Jonnurtcum, he will grant your every wish.

If you do not believe in Jonnurtcum, he will jump up and down fuming with anger.

Jonnurtcum's most sacred site is Polydrosos in Greece.

Jonnurtcum's Holy Commandments

1. Always help sick aardvarks.

2. Never wear brown corsets.

3. Do not take Jonnurtcum's name in vain.

4. Always pray in complete darkness.

5. Do not covet oxen.