Satvedgam is a god.

She takes the form of a very fat, proud seal.

Satvedgam created a charm quark six million years ago.

If you believe in Satvedgam, she will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Satvedgam, she will hide angry, poisonous spiders in your dwelling place.

Satvedgam's most sacred site is Taktser in China.

Satvedgam's Holy Commandments

1. Do not commit murder.

2. Do not kill mites.

3. Hide if four monkeys approach from the east.

4. Never talk about dark energy near snails while wearing turquoise hats and balancing six nickel spheres on your arms.

5. Do not take Satvedgam's name in vain.