Fossarpkim is a god.

He takes the form of a heavy, staggering narwhal.

Fossarpkim created time and space nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Fossarpkim, he will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Fossarpkim, he will hide angry, poisonous spiders in your dwelling place.

Fossarpkim's most sacred site is Fangchuan in China.

Fossarpkim's Holy Commandments

1. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

2. Do not drink water in violet rooms.

3. Always look after injured hamsters.

4. Worship no other gods but Fossarpkim.

5. Do not make images of living things.