Fonhaphiv Spagtomnar Quamsigcem is a god.

It takes the form of a planet-sized, self-assured salamander.

Fonhaphiv Spagtomnar Quamsigcem created everything that exists seven thousand years ago.

If you believe in Fonhaphiv Spagtomnar Quamsigcem, it will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Fonhaphiv Spagtomnar Quamsigcem, it will destroy your favourite planet.

Fonhaphiv Spagtomnar Quamsigcem's most sacred site is Penpont in Scotland.

Fonhaphiv Spagtomnar Quamsigcem's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink alcohol.

2. Erect seven nickel sculptures of Fonhaphiv Spagtomnar Quamsigcem on top of important buildings.

3. Erect a large silver sculpture of Fonhaphiv Spagtomnar Quamsigcem on top of all buildings.

4. Do not cook food in pots.

5. Never think about quantum field theory near grasshopers while wearing fawn boots and balancing six iron spheres on your back.