Queegvinbast is a god.

She takes the form of a seven thousand metre long, unsympathetic whale.

Queegvinbast created the universe two billion years ago.

If you believe in Queegvinbast, she will be happy.

If you do not believe in Queegvinbast, she will jump up and down on your head.

Queegvinbast's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Queegvinbast's Holy Commandments

1. Run away if three gulls approach from the north.

2. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

3. Do not run in public.

4. Learn seven new languages a year.

5. Do not drink alcohol.