Lagarmquat is a god.

She takes the form of a plump, unthinking grasshopper.

Lagarmquat created the Sombrero Galaxy seven thousand years ago.

If you believe in Lagarmquat, she will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Lagarmquat, she will destroy your favourite planet.

Lagarmquat's most sacred site is Paavola in Finland.

Lagarmquat's Holy Commandments

1. Never jump in the presence of monkeys.

2. Great tits are not to be trusted.

3. Always wear purple.

4. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

5. Never wear indigo dresses.