Gonvadkim is a god.

He takes the form of a four hundred metre long, grumpy dolphin.

Gonvadkim created bats seven million years ago.

If you believe in Gonvadkim, he will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Gonvadkim, he will turn you into a rock.

Gonvadkim's most sacred site is Troqueer in Scotland.

Gonvadkim's Holy Commandments

1. Erect a large tin sculpture of Gonvadkim on top of all buildings.

2. Gonvadkim loves porpoises, so they must be honoured.

3. Tell all that you meet of the great power of Gonvadkim.

4. Feed all hungry ducks.

5. Never write about black holes.