Laglanpad is a god.

He takes the form of a very heavy, calm jellyfish.

Laglanpad created tapeworms six thousand years ago.

If you believe in Laglanpad, he will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Laglanpad, he will remove you from existence.

Laglanpad's most sacred site is Temmes in Finland.

Laglanpad's Holy Commandments

1. Walk at least nine thousand metres per day.

2. Never write about archaea.

3. Always stare at clouds.

4. Do not listen to music.

5. Always make sure there are no doves in a room before entering it.