Gidyarptan is a god.

She takes the form of a minute, fussy mongoose.

Gidyarptan created oxygen nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Gidyarptan, she will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Gidyarptan, she will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Gidyarptan's most sacred site is Goldcliff in Wales.

Gidyarptan's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed grapes to dogs while wearing hats.

2. Never think ill of sick great tits.

3. Horses are not to be trusted.

4. Do not hurt otters.

5. Never write about nucleic acids.