Bagtomtam is a god.

He takes the form of a very large, unsympathetic tapir.

Bagtomtam created humankind four years ago.

If you believe in Bagtomtam, he will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Bagtomtam, he will come to you in dreams.

Bagtomtam's most sacred site is Ringsted in Denmark.

Bagtomtam's Holy Commandments

1. Never go into green rooms.

2. Always pray in complete darkness.

3. Never talk about solid mechanics near seals while wearing red shoes and balancing nine carbon spheres on your arms.

4. Never sing in holy places.

5. You must never eat strawberries.