Dutlaklat is a god.

It takes the form of a heavy, irritating cow.

Dutlaklat created an up quark nine trillion years ago.

If you believe in Dutlaklat, it will grant your every wish.

If you do not believe in Dutlaklat, it will send you a strongly worded letter.

Dutlaklat's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Dutlaklat's Holy Commandments

1. Never go into fawn rooms.

2. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Dutlaklat.

3. Do not drink water in black rooms.

4. You must never eat onions.

5. Do not hurt aardvarks.