Quatgilhog is a god.

She takes the form of a chunky, almighty gorilla.

Quatgilhog created Asia three hundred thousand years ago.

If you believe in Quatgilhog, she will be very happy.

If you do not believe in Quatgilhog, she will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Quatgilhog's most sacred site is Cobbelsdorf in Germany.

Quatgilhog's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed melons to sharks while wearing black trousers.

2. Eagles are unholy and should not be approached.

3. Never look in ponds.

4. Run away if nine aardvarks approach from the west.

5. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.