Hapmipwat is a god.

She takes the form of a heavy, thoughtless dugong.

Hapmipwat created the Large Magellanic Cloud four years ago.

If you believe in Hapmipwat, she will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Hapmipwat, she will boil you in a big pot.

Hapmipwat's most sacred site is Ulsted in Denmark.

Hapmipwat's Holy Commandments

1. Respect your elders.

2. Do not dye your hair mauve.

3. Always make sure there are no birds in a room before entering it.

4. Never talk about porpoises.

5. You must pray to Hapmipwat six times a day.