Quimflabtik Cap is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely small, smart dryad.

Quimflabtik Cap created humankind eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Quimflabtik Cap, she will look after your home planet.

If you do not believe in Quimflabtik Cap, she will turn you into a giant snail.

Quimflabtik Cap's most sacred site is Camon in France.

Quimflabtik Cap's Holy Commandments

1. Ducks are unholy and should not be approached.

2. Always pray immersed in water.

3. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Quimflabtik Cap.

4. Walk at least eight thousand metres per day.

5. Retreat if six great tits approach from the west.