Bifvoldosstik is a god.

He takes the form of a chunky, benevolent monkey.

Bifvoldosstik created snails two quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Bifvoldosstik, he will be very happy.

If you do not believe in Bifvoldosstik, he will turn you into a puffin.

Bifvoldosstik's most sacred site is Gorbio in France.

Bifvoldosstik's Holy Commandments

1. Do not cook food in pots.

2. Do not leap in public.

3. Always pray in complete darkness.

4. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

5. Never think about moons.