Lapbontit is a god.

He takes the form of a chunky, unselfish salamander.

Lapbontit created the planet Jupiter three quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Lapbontit, he will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Lapbontit, he will turn you into a hamster.

Lapbontit's most sacred site is Metsimotlhabe in Botswana.

Lapbontit's Holy Commandments

1. Run away if five pigs approach from the west.

2. Do not chop down trees.

3. Always stare at clouds.

4. Never talk about special relativity near foxes while wearing cyan coats.

5. Erect a large silicon sculpture of Lapbontit on top of all buildings.