Zemtargfem is a god.

She takes the form of a corpulent, annoying squid.

Zemtargfem created light eighteen thousand years ago.

If you believe in Zemtargfem, she will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Zemtargfem, she will send four elephants to rub you out.

Zemtargfem's most sacred site is Panayadikuppam in India.

Zemtargfem's Holy Commandments

1. Zemtargfem loves goats, so they must be honoured.

2. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

3. Always help geese in need.

4. Retreat if five mites approach from the east.

5. Never think ill of sick tapirs.